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Cut me some slack.

I realize I may not be as in control as some people like to think I am, or as I myself like to think I am. I guess it’s fine. It’s fine to admit you can’t do it sometimes, or that inevitably, shit happens.

Crap happens.

FIRST.

So.

It’s that time of the year again.

Hello, 2010. Hello new beginnings. Hello resolutions that probably won’t last me the first two weeks past the New Year. I mean it doesn’t hurt to try. Still. Go knock yourself out.

After all, it’s another start, come to think of it. Another year to chalk up to your lifebook. Another year further from the overrated past. Another year closer to that elusive forever, however cheesy that sounds to you.

Right.

I don’t seem to have problems with cheesy these days, in any case.

-o-o-o-

Things have just… kind of… picked up where they left off before Christmas break. Same teachers. Same classmates. Same lessons. Not everything’s the way it was, though. It feels like somebody placed tiny pieces of me in a box and shook it all over the place.

No, that wasn’t a good enough analogy. Somebody’s diced me up and dumped the pieces into a kitchen blender. Think, osterized much. Think, indescernible, murky, yucky goo. Yes genius, I’m all jumbled up. That’s not necessarily bad, just new… I suppose.

And so much for going beyond the cliche’ wishes for 2010, but I do hope I get better now. Really, sincerely get better. If I was the disturbed weirdo who thought about chipmunks and Oreos last year, then now I’ll be the anal perfectionistic control freak with Michael Jackson gloves. Just kidding. *winks*

‘Course, I can’t really get better without being better, or doing better. (Great, now I sound performance-oriented.) I’ll be the little train that thinks it could. Or the goody two shoes with the Brownie scout hat and infectious optimism.

Or maybe I could just be me, you know? If I could figure who that even is, for the life of me.

In the meantime, I have almighty Med-Surg to spend my brainspace on.

And for heart space? I definitely know the answer to that.:)

Tug of War

It’s too late. I’m a bad seed. I’ve done things I would have never even THOUGHT about if I was that same person.

That is, back when I was still me. Back when I was still yours.

But I don’t know.

You’re pulling me in your direction. Every day, I’m
caught in a tug-of-war between my own weakness and you. You! I feel you fighting for me, darn it! You just HAD to send me that friend. You just HAD to give me that message. While you knew all along I was getting wasted Sunday morning last week.

Why??

Thing is, I’m not good enough. Or strong enough. I’m here! I’m on a low. I’m not yours!

I miss you, though. It was all a dream, once upon a really long time ago, but I’m not in it anymore. It’s gone. I’ve forgotten how to be yours. I can’t. I just don’t know how.

So here I am. The same, or at least trying. Worse, maybe.

I’m afraid of starting over again.

What a mess…

Protected: Mark Ray

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The I and Reality

Who Am I?

Such a basic question, we might think, but its meaning is fraught with implications. Because when you ask yourself who you are, you ask yourself about the entirety of your being, that which makes yourself you, and not somebody else.

Am I my mind? Am I the thoughts I think, the insights I harbor?

Am I my body? Am I what I do, how I look like? Is the body actually an indirect manifestation of the intricate state of the soul, its sickness and wellbeing?

In that moment I disintegrate and cease to exist in this reality, what form do I take on? Is it not as much a matter of who I am, than what I am?

Who am I? What am I?

And the scary thing is, do I really want to know?

***

Schizophrenia is a condition characterized by hallucinations, which may commonly be auditory and visual.

Hallucinations, as defined by our books, are sensory perceptions that do not actually exist in reality.

That caught my attention: In reality.

But this is just one reality. The objects and people in our direct lines of sight and hearing are only one reality, and it is not the only one. Tell me I’ve been reading C.S. Lewis’ books too much. Sure. But I strongly believe that simply to live in this very tangible reality, the one we are explicitly used to, does not necessarily negate the possibility of the existence of other realities.

What about death? What about dreams? And on a whole other level, what about God?

Schizophrenics may see or hear or feel, but on a different plane…an entirely other dimension.

And I’ve gotten to thinking: Are the mentally ill really ill, if we base their conditions on what is acceptable in just this reality? What if, by some crazy notion, the people we call crazy are really those that know something we don’t?

If you think I’m losing it, then you’re probably right. It’s just I’ve given these things quite some thought lately. Will blog again if I get any new insights.

Random Thoughts (and the most boring title ever.)

[image from: www.homotron.net]

Falling.

Last night, I dreamed seeing stars in the daytime. Yellow-white specks of fire scattered across a blue sky. It was beautiful.

Stars in the daytime.

I mean, they’re amazing on a clear night, but in the daytime… Astounding. Brighter than the sun, but not as hot. I remember taking out a DSLR (which, unfortunately, I do not possess in real life) and taking pictures.

But it turned nightmarish when they started falling.

Everything burned. People. Houses. Even me. I felt my clothes catch fire and peel away from my skin. All around me, it was nothing but smoke, fire and ashes.

Smoke, fire and ashes.

And pain: Both exquisite and frightening.

I woke up thinking that beauty can be deadly sometimes.

And for some reason, I remembered angels.

***

“Pangit na man ang pub ui, mag-apply pa ka?”

“I don’t debate. Sorry, I’m not very good at making a fool of myself.”

Decision!

From now on, I will let your catty comments completely slide over my head. I enjoy doing these things, I just don’t get why you’re not even the slightest bit supportive. Not an iota of encouragement.

I think of you as my friend, you see, which is why it bothers me.

***

Tomorrow is the first day of our last rotation of nursing duty. Contrary to what others expect, I am more my paranoid self than usual. I have gotten thus far this semester without incurring any extensions, and I fully intend to keep it that way.

Especially since the hospital’s clock is 30 minutes advanced compared to XU standard time, and we’re doing the 6am-2pm shift.

May the universe look upon us with favor tomorrow.

***

And oh. Tomorrow is also the 21st of September.

Yeah, I know that’s not a big deal, unless it’s your birthday or something. But it’s funny.

Because to me, September 21 is always, without fail:

“Something-happened-today-but-I-just-can’t-remember-what-it-was” Day.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt like I’m missing something extremely important. Like an event. Like an epiphany I once had, but slipped away from lack of use.

Well, it’s tomorrow again.

I hope I remember.

Breaking Point

Funny. I don’t know that girl in the photo.

Or at least, not anymore. One thing’s for sure, though: she’s stopped singing those praise songs lately.

I wonder for how long I’ll be able to go on this way.

***

“Ignorance is your new bestfriend.” – Paramore

It’s their latest single, and I can’t get it out of my head. Paramore’s great, their songs have a lot of oomph in them. Substance. In this context, however, it makes perfect, scary sense.

I posted it as a status update on Facebook a few days ago. A few minutes later (or hours, I can’t really remember) my 14-year-old niece, Jireh, commented on it, saying:

“Why not just trade it for wisdom? “

Simple as that.

I an now down the rocky path of enlightenment.

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iPod Nano goes “Click!”

I’ve always had a thing for Apple. An innate partiality that stands firm even in the face of Microsoft’s seemingly more features-laden Zune.

In other words, when Camille got a Zune and I got an iPod, we launched into an informal banter (read: suck-it-up debate) about which gadget ruled the music player universe.

But the argument concerning Zunes and iPods is neither here nor there.

[image from: http://epicentreion.blogspot.com/]

Hail the new 5th generation iPod nano! I’m not really big on the specs, but I do know that it has a 1.3 mega-pixel videocamera, which come to think of it isn’t much, but caters to the techie-obsessed generation hungry for the latest features. It now has FM radio, a pedometer, amicrophone and speaker. Plus (like they say with every new generation iPod) improved headphones.

Apple chief executive Steve Jobs said they would be releasing two versions, the  difference lying in memory capacity: 8 and 16 gig.

The big guys also said they would be cutting back on prices. Not trying to get my hopes up and all, but I hope I can save up enough to get me a new iPod.

In the meantime, it’s old trusty 2nd gen nano for my music binges.

The ipod with the bad case of cephalhematoma. -_-

Let’s Talk: Leadership

Currently I’m a part of this organization called the Inter Varsity Christian Fellowship, and though I haven’t exactly been, say, the best Christian lately, I’ve been attending their weekly Panagdait sessions every Friday for the past month.

And surprise, surprise. These last two weeks’ s topics have been all about...LEADERSHIP.

Which, come to think of it, is a little coincidental, seeing as I’ve been having a lot of leadership issues lately. Nursing duty isn’t exactly a walk in the park for us, or at least not yet, and also especially because we’re placed in groups for our different rotations.

Not to mention when you’re appointed as  ” the king of the hill”, “queen bee”, or ” the dick-tater”.

Let’s set the record straight.

WHAT IS A LEADER?

By now I guess we know that the guy who thinks he can call all the shots and order everybody around is essentially just somebody with a major control-freak syndrome. Not to mention insecurity issues. But anyway. He’s not the focus at the moment.

We’ve heard it all before. A leader is *insert superlative verb here*. He’s oozing with charisma. The all-around facilitator. The guy with this whole influential thing going on. Think Father Jett. Think  Obama. (Great, now I feel intimidated.)

But there’s no real necessity for brilliance to lead. It just takes heart, and a lot of patience.

A leader is one who serves, and though all leaders are servants, not all servants can be leaders.

So basically it’s not all about the glitz and ditz of popularity. Leading is messy business, and it’s not just the storm, it’s also the cleaning up when it’s over. The aftercare. Setting aside personal interests for the good of all. Asserting others’ rights, and your own, during circumstances in which others tend to infringe on those rights by neglecting their (read: the golden word) responsibilities.

Sounds like hard work?

It is.

[image from http://www.womenpr.com]